Loosing

Dear Friend,

I was really snipping with my sister today. I know I shouldn't be angry or treat her like she's annoying or something. She's the best older sister a girl could ask for. I really try to be sympathetic, but it's getting harder. She passes out almost everyday now and has all these panic attacks out of nowhere. It's been a pretty common thing all my life, but the last few months have been getting worse. Like I said, everyday she passes out. And everyday I have to rearrange my whole schedule or miss school or not do a homework assignment or cancel plans with my friends so I can help her out. She may have a 504 plan with the school so that it won't affect her grade, but I don't. I used to really want to give up everything to help her, but she's not even helping herself. Now I feel no urge to help her. I know she's okay and I know that if she actually did what the doctor told her to, she'd be okay again. But she's so self centered. She does what she wants to and just thinks everything will turn out fine. I know I shouldn't feel this upset. I hate that I get so angry, but it's what I feel and I can't always change it.

She can be really selfish with my time. I have to wait for her all the time or I have to be in charge of dragging her away from her little buddies so that I can get somewhere in time. She doesn't even care and if I tried to talk to her about it, she blows up, starts crying like I just don't understand how hard this is for her and then goes into a panic attack. Not that I've ever tried it, but I've seen her to it with my mom. And yeah, sure maybe we don't understand, but at least we're trying to. She doesn't even care how this is affecting everyone around her. She does the same thing with her "not boyfriend." She's really clinging to him and I can see it wears on him. Then when I tell her she might want to back off, she's like,"I HAVE BEEN OKAY?! CALM DOWN!!! I HAVEN'T EVEN SAT BY HIM AT LUNCH FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS!!" Wow. That's great.

It's just hard loosing a sister to herself.

....

Truth is, I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out just how that can be. That's from Perks of being a Wallflower. Ha... so true though.

You know, sometimes, I feel pretty. And when I look in the mirror, I see someone beautiful and worthwhile. But then I look again, and I don't anymore. I see me.

None of my friends know I'm writing to you. It's kinda nice knowing no one's going to see this but you.