Dear Friend

I'm writing to you because he said you'd listen and it'd be nice to tell someone the truth. I'm not saying I'm gonna write everyday or even every week, but when I do write, it'll mean something to have you here.

I've been trying to start over lately, but I can't keep up with it all. The world doesn't start over with you. It's been moving the whole time you've been falling behind, like you're on an escalator that's moving backwards. It keeps moving, picking up speed and so you have to run douple time if you want to even have hope for catching up.

I'm trying to feel something. Or, something inside me wants to feel something. I'm not sure if it's even me or not. But I'm looking for something to make me feel everything at once, but not... I know I should try to feel happy, but I honestly don't care if what I feel is happiness or depression as long as I'm feeling something other than this empty longing. I just want one moment when I feel.. Infinite. I want to know what it feels like. I'm just so confused all the time. I don't even know if what's inside me is an emotion or just the lack thereof. What do you call that feeling when the front of your head aches a little and you're throat feels dry, like it might never experience liquid again and it's terrified, and your heart just sits there like a lump of thick gew in your chest?

Love is so complicated, because everyone thinks their idea of love is the only one they can accept. Someone wants a kind of love from me I can't give. I gave the love of friendship immediatly without hesitation, but they want something else. They want a shallow high school romance love. They want to tell me they like me and, of course, they want me to say the same in return. They want the whole school to find out and then be another couple on the gossip list. I don't want to hurt them, but I can't love them like that. I won't put myself in that position, but no matter how carefully I explain that, they don't understand. I'd rather have a gay friend who'll go shopping with me than a guy who just wants to be liked as a self confidence boster.

I've started coloring this week. Sounds silly and possibly juvenille. However, it's very theraputic. I don't have to stress, I just stay in the lines and decide what colors to use and how dark I want to color each outlined piece of white, empty paper.

I ate too much today. I used to be annorexic, but then I stopped after about four years. I know it's completely insane, but a part of me has been talking me into it again. I look in the mirror and I see every ounce of unwanted matter. I hate it. I hate that I notice it because it shouldn't bother me anymore. Maybe if I cut back on my weight, I won't hate that part of me anymore because the annorexic mindset won't yell at me. I could get her out of my head if I just lost the weight she told me to.

That's what's been on my mind the last few minutes. Well, some of it. Alot of things I'm still trying to figure out how to place in words I can understand. Once I do, I can write it down and then I can see it all in front of my eyes and figure it out.

I wanna be alive today.