Dear Friend,
This school year, I've become better acquainted with Lista, a girl my age. We were friends last year, and at some points I think we were very close. In my stupidity, I drifted away from her and spent my time and energy on a boy instead which ended up being a really stupid, predictable mistake.
Lista is completely gorgeous, has a sweet temper, kind eyes, perfect advice, a reasonable disposition, and the most patient ear. We're very different. I know I'm often stern, have an uncontrollable temper at times, and I'm neither soft spoken nor patient. We sort of balance each other out.
This year, we've become what I would call the best of friends. It seemed like everyday, we looked for each other even before we realized we were becoming close friends. At first, there were awkward days. I'm used to big crowds of semi close friends, so it was a weird change for me to step into her world of just two or three people. Every lunch, we spent together, just the two of us and some other people now and then. It's been a long, sometimes painstaking, relationship to build, but I finally feel like we understand each other. I couldn't appreciate a friendship more. Lista taught me how a real relationship is built. I don't really know how to explain how she taught me, but she did. I've learned you can be friends with basically anyone is both people are willing to try. Honestly, she's like the last person I'd see wanting to be friends with me or me seeking out. But thanks to effort and a love, we've become friends forever. Defiantly.
Today, we went shopping at the mall for a few hours, dipping in and out of stores and running between items. We went to my house after we got all "shopped out." I love watching movies, but Lista sees no point to them. I love where they take you and what you learn and the beautiful stories they tell and how they whisk you away to a whole new perspective. To me, it's an adventure. She sees it as time you could have spent doing something else. Guess we were raised differently. More like I know we were. But today, I picked out a movie, threw a million pillows on my bed and we watched Phenomenon, one of my all time favorites. I don't know how to tell her how much I appreciated that she let me show her what I love. She hasn't seen many movies at all and my family devourers them and then we critic each chapter in full detail. It was really special to me that she'd sit down with me and allow me to show her the kind of journey these movies take me on. I'm not even sure why. But it was.
We watched a few cool movies on YouTube, first Dumb Ways to Die then The Butterfly Circus. Very different, but both really great in their own way. Dad asked me to take Meg some food at work and we wanted to stop by Target to get some food and look at their makeup supplies. Lista's parents disapprove of sugary cereal so of course, Lista loves it. I bought her favorite most sugary kind and we're gonna leave it at my house so she can come over whenever she wants and eat it. Then she bought me my favorite salsa, the dear. When we went to check out, Ren, a senior from last year, was the "checker outer person." It was good to see him! He's a cutie and I've always enjoyed talking to him. He's intelligent and kind which are both very praiseworthy qualities. So, yeah, he's cool. Found out he's in Lista's stake which was kinda awkward for me. See, I don't live in my school boundaries. Everyone else is in each others neighborhoods and then there's me all the way across town. It's great.
We stopped by Lista's house and then went to Meg's work to help her close up. I got everything thing done in under 20 minutes while Meg did her till. Lista was a total sweetheart and helped me out. She had to go home but I hadn't even finished dinner at home before she called and said Rusty had invited us to go rock climbing with him. He's a pretty cool kid. Nice, but he lacks interest. I like exciting people, someone who keeps me laughing. I have to make most of the funny comments around him. There's nothing wrong with that, just not my preference. Something about him bothers me, though I do like hanging out with him. Mom thinks he likes me. Lista likes him a little. He just got out of his second messed up relationship. No thanks, I'm good. No desire for pointless drama on any scale.
We had fun though. I got a 5.10c, though I did fall once. I enjoyed it, though the skin on my hands is rough, and red. I really like climbing. It's exciting, a challenge and thrilling. I like using my body to tackle a (reasonable) adventure.
Basically, today was full of simple, happy memories. Those are important. Stock up on the cheerful little moments for there is no doubt a time will come when you will need them. They will help you survive and will come to you like water in a desert. I'm lucky to have friends I can make sweet memories with.
P.S. Dear Friend, I've decided to friend zone every boy I know. Seems safer for them and me. Yay! Now, here's an intriguing question: how do you friend zone a guy kindly, but obviously? O.o
Friday, December 28, 2012
Bright Lights
Dear Friend,
I've started a book my mom bought me for Christmas. It's the complete and unabridged version of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. It's probably the best book I've ever picked up. The little family is so real, tender and dear to my heart. Meg, Jo, Beth, Amy and sweet Marmee are the most beautiful characters I've ever been introduced to. I snuggled up on my couch along with my puppy, Molly, some toast and hot chocolate and stepped into their world. After reading about Amy's limes, Beth's piano and watching Jo learn a profound lesson about forgiveness, I fell asleep with Molly cuddled up in my arms.
I woke to Saya coming home with dad. She needed a ride back to her place, so I offered to take her over. Dad asked me to do some errands at the library for mom on the way home. Today's their anniversary, but mom was too sick to go out and do anything. Hopefully she'll be up and about tomorrow. Saya and I had a good talk about a cute boy she's become acquainted with recently. Afterwards, I headed over to the library, picked up a few things and then headed home. Didn't really end up going straight to my destination though. I took the long way home through the river bottoms to see the lights on all the large homes. There's been so much snow the last few days and it's simply gorgeous at night when the Christmas colors glow through several inches of frozen, transparent snow. I drove though many streets slowly, taking in every covered tree, every glowing bulb, and some very lovely wreaths set in windows or hung from doors.
Since I wasn't familiar with the neighbor hood I chanced upon, I travelled in large circles trying to enter each street, becoming more and more confused. I passed by one street at least twice before I finally decided to turn into it. Besides the first house on my left, there were no other lights on that street. So, I slowed to a near stop and looked at the large, elegant white house. Lights shown through the snow that had fallen perfect enough for a post card on the lovely home. Candles were placed in several windows. All in all, it was an extravagant display of wealth. I was quit taken aback by its beauty. Then I abruptly noticed a small scene tucked away on the far left side of the lawn.
No lights were wrapped around the manger scene that lay almost invisible in the deep snow. Baby Jesus had three inches of snow sitting on his tiny body. I stared, shocked at this sudden enlightenment. What had I been looking for that night? Pretty lights entangled in tree branches and strung over houses. And there, dimmed to my eyes by the eccentric flashy world, lay the worlds only true light. Even as I looked on, the large, bright building in front of me continued to draw my eyes from the Christ child. I turned back to see the manger scene, laying quiet and still. I found myself in deep thought over what had just happened. Some would call it simply a coincidence. Well, even if that's what it was, it made an impact on how I will forever view Christmas. In that property, I saw what the world does in a very eye opening way. It pretends to provide a warm shelter from the cold, dark night with welcoming distractions and bright promises. But it won't last. Every house must fall one day. Every light will burn out. But the true promise of happiness is found in only one place. The atonement of Christ is the way. The Savior's light radiates. Not to the eyes does it shine, but to the searching soul. His promises are sure and are eternal. I will try not to be distracted by the worlds bright lights. I will instead search continually for the tender, loving glow that speaks truth to my heart.
I've started a book my mom bought me for Christmas. It's the complete and unabridged version of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. It's probably the best book I've ever picked up. The little family is so real, tender and dear to my heart. Meg, Jo, Beth, Amy and sweet Marmee are the most beautiful characters I've ever been introduced to. I snuggled up on my couch along with my puppy, Molly, some toast and hot chocolate and stepped into their world. After reading about Amy's limes, Beth's piano and watching Jo learn a profound lesson about forgiveness, I fell asleep with Molly cuddled up in my arms.
I woke to Saya coming home with dad. She needed a ride back to her place, so I offered to take her over. Dad asked me to do some errands at the library for mom on the way home. Today's their anniversary, but mom was too sick to go out and do anything. Hopefully she'll be up and about tomorrow. Saya and I had a good talk about a cute boy she's become acquainted with recently. Afterwards, I headed over to the library, picked up a few things and then headed home. Didn't really end up going straight to my destination though. I took the long way home through the river bottoms to see the lights on all the large homes. There's been so much snow the last few days and it's simply gorgeous at night when the Christmas colors glow through several inches of frozen, transparent snow. I drove though many streets slowly, taking in every covered tree, every glowing bulb, and some very lovely wreaths set in windows or hung from doors.
Since I wasn't familiar with the neighbor hood I chanced upon, I travelled in large circles trying to enter each street, becoming more and more confused. I passed by one street at least twice before I finally decided to turn into it. Besides the first house on my left, there were no other lights on that street. So, I slowed to a near stop and looked at the large, elegant white house. Lights shown through the snow that had fallen perfect enough for a post card on the lovely home. Candles were placed in several windows. All in all, it was an extravagant display of wealth. I was quit taken aback by its beauty. Then I abruptly noticed a small scene tucked away on the far left side of the lawn.
No lights were wrapped around the manger scene that lay almost invisible in the deep snow. Baby Jesus had three inches of snow sitting on his tiny body. I stared, shocked at this sudden enlightenment. What had I been looking for that night? Pretty lights entangled in tree branches and strung over houses. And there, dimmed to my eyes by the eccentric flashy world, lay the worlds only true light. Even as I looked on, the large, bright building in front of me continued to draw my eyes from the Christ child. I turned back to see the manger scene, laying quiet and still. I found myself in deep thought over what had just happened. Some would call it simply a coincidence. Well, even if that's what it was, it made an impact on how I will forever view Christmas. In that property, I saw what the world does in a very eye opening way. It pretends to provide a warm shelter from the cold, dark night with welcoming distractions and bright promises. But it won't last. Every house must fall one day. Every light will burn out. But the true promise of happiness is found in only one place. The atonement of Christ is the way. The Savior's light radiates. Not to the eyes does it shine, but to the searching soul. His promises are sure and are eternal. I will try not to be distracted by the worlds bright lights. I will instead search continually for the tender, loving glow that speaks truth to my heart.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
From Family to Friends to Family
Dear Friend,
"I don't think loving ones mother comes quite naturally." -Wives and Daughters
My mother and I didn't always have the best relationship. Truly, there were times I didn't think I loved her and that she couldn't love me. Yet, somewhere in between the lines of many years and careful conversations, I've come to love her as my mother and as my dear friend.
This semester at school, I've spent many hours working on a bedside table in my wood shop class. When I was almost finished, I realized I wanted to give it to my mom. I think that was my original idea, but it became much more of a concern when they told us we needed to laser a design on the top of the desk. I knew immediately to do dolphins jumping out of the water. As I looked through different options with my teacher, I learned I really wanted two dolphins. So, I looked till I found the right picture. Then we lasered it on. I sanded it within an inch of its life, then cautiously stained the whole desk except the lasered picture. Then I sprayed, sanded, finished, sanded and sprayed again. Finally, it was all ready to go. I carried it out to my car, covered it with a blanket in the back seat and off it went.
I left it hidden in the car for a few days then brought it inside and hid it in my sisters room with a huge blanket. On Christmas morning, I arrived home from a sleepover with my oldest sister, Saya. We did a little cleaning in our downstairs living room, then went through our stockings as we do each year. Before we opened the rest of our presents, we all went up stairs for a quick breakfast. As everyone started for the upstairs living room, I ordered them to all stay where they were. Mom was told to close her eyes and dad gave her a back rub to distract her. No one except Meg, the second oldest, had seen the table so far. As I carried it up the stairs, dad and Saya made various stunned comments. I set it in front of mom and she opened her eyes. Gasping, she stood and carefully looked over the table. Her eyes filled gently with tears and then she hugged me tightly. She whispered something in my ear I couldn't understand, but that's okay cause that hug said way more than she could've with words. I cried a little inside.
We all lined up, me first this year, and marched into the living room to take our places on the couch. Mom played Santa this year so she went about handing unlabeled packages to each of us. She'd memorized who got which gift it seemed. I received many heart felt gifts, each thoughtfully chosen and a deep expression of love. I didn't have any other gifts to give that day. I'd made everyone else something in my ceramics class. I've spent almost everyday of flex and after school in there working on the different projects. One is a mask for dad, the other is an abstract piece for Saya, and the other, well I'm not sure what it is for Meg. It's really cool though. But they weren't finished being fired and glazed so I told them their gifts were on their way. They seemed to be excited about the extended surprise. Maybe they were just trying to be nice. :)
We all stayed in the family room afterwards with our separate piles of goodies, among the ripped paper and gathered bows, and talked for several hours. I love that part of Christmas.
Nana and Cramp came by with a little present for each of us. They stayed for a while and Cramp praised Saya continuously about being so wonderful. I think that made her feel pretty good. I was happy to see her get so much credit for how hard she's been working in college and her three jobs. I'm not sure how she does it. I can't even get good grades in high school and I don't even have one job. Guess I'm just not as smart as she is.
When they left, I sat with Meg and mom for a bit talking again. Saya went home after a nap to shower and let her dog out. Then mom and I started on Christmas dinner. Meg went off to bed as soon as we started. Sometimes I wonder about her timing. ;)
Mom taught me how to make a bunch of different things. I loved it. We worked for hours on the goose. Then we set to work on a cold salad, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls (we bought those!), stuffing, veggies, and a punch. When everything else was ready, we pulled out the goose we'd been basting for eternity. Never again will I cook a goose. It wasn't even finished after three hours. Not even close! So we had dinner without a main course. Oh well right?
Dad made a really inconsiderate remark to mom. Here we sat at a table covered with food she'd spent hours on and he had the nerve to say something snarky. I was shocked. Mom didn't say anything. But when she looked at him, he knew what she thought of that. I think partly she was too tired to say anything and didn't want to ruin Christmas dinner. He knew he was in the wrong to say that. I think when he saw the exhausted expression on her face, he couldn't help but know. He didn't apologize though. My heart broke for mom. Everyday, I start to see more and more things she's given up for us and how hard she does try. I start to see what dad doesn't. I love dad. But I care for mom.
The goose ended up being a huge disappointment for mom and I. There was like, nooo meat on it. So lame. But, personally, I thought it was actually worth it. Even if it couldn't feed a family of like, 1, I got to spend a lot of time working with my mom. I loved every minute of it.
The older I get, the more I see and learn that you're born into a family. Then, if you're lucky like me, you become friends with each individual in your family. You spend one on one time with everyone and time as a group. The girls have nights, the parents have nights with each girl, the parents have night together, until you feel like everyone is your friend. Your buddy, your pal. You become tightly nit. And then, that's when you become a true family. Then your not just a bunch of people living together and you're no longer a bunch of good friends. You're a blood related, eternally sealed network of individuals working to create a happy family package. I don't know if anyone else is as lukcy as me, but I come as a package deal. My family goes where I go and I go where they go. You get one, you get us all. I'm not just saying that. It is that way. I see it and I'm a part of it. And I love it.
Thank you Christ. Thank you for coming to earth. Thank you for being born as a human like me. But Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if you left the baby in the manger. Thank you for dying for me, that I may live again with my family for time and all eternity. Forever. Thank you for taking upon you the punishment of my sins so that I can repent and change my heart throughout my life so that I can live with our Father in Heaven for time and all eternity. To any who read, and to all who don't, may the joy and true reason for the reason resound in your hearts everyday. May you wake with a love for each person and a desire to become a little more like Christ every hour. Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!
"I don't think loving ones mother comes quite naturally." -Wives and Daughters
My mother and I didn't always have the best relationship. Truly, there were times I didn't think I loved her and that she couldn't love me. Yet, somewhere in between the lines of many years and careful conversations, I've come to love her as my mother and as my dear friend.
This semester at school, I've spent many hours working on a bedside table in my wood shop class. When I was almost finished, I realized I wanted to give it to my mom. I think that was my original idea, but it became much more of a concern when they told us we needed to laser a design on the top of the desk. I knew immediately to do dolphins jumping out of the water. As I looked through different options with my teacher, I learned I really wanted two dolphins. So, I looked till I found the right picture. Then we lasered it on. I sanded it within an inch of its life, then cautiously stained the whole desk except the lasered picture. Then I sprayed, sanded, finished, sanded and sprayed again. Finally, it was all ready to go. I carried it out to my car, covered it with a blanket in the back seat and off it went.
I left it hidden in the car for a few days then brought it inside and hid it in my sisters room with a huge blanket. On Christmas morning, I arrived home from a sleepover with my oldest sister, Saya. We did a little cleaning in our downstairs living room, then went through our stockings as we do each year. Before we opened the rest of our presents, we all went up stairs for a quick breakfast. As everyone started for the upstairs living room, I ordered them to all stay where they were. Mom was told to close her eyes and dad gave her a back rub to distract her. No one except Meg, the second oldest, had seen the table so far. As I carried it up the stairs, dad and Saya made various stunned comments. I set it in front of mom and she opened her eyes. Gasping, she stood and carefully looked over the table. Her eyes filled gently with tears and then she hugged me tightly. She whispered something in my ear I couldn't understand, but that's okay cause that hug said way more than she could've with words. I cried a little inside.
We all lined up, me first this year, and marched into the living room to take our places on the couch. Mom played Santa this year so she went about handing unlabeled packages to each of us. She'd memorized who got which gift it seemed. I received many heart felt gifts, each thoughtfully chosen and a deep expression of love. I didn't have any other gifts to give that day. I'd made everyone else something in my ceramics class. I've spent almost everyday of flex and after school in there working on the different projects. One is a mask for dad, the other is an abstract piece for Saya, and the other, well I'm not sure what it is for Meg. It's really cool though. But they weren't finished being fired and glazed so I told them their gifts were on their way. They seemed to be excited about the extended surprise. Maybe they were just trying to be nice. :)
We all stayed in the family room afterwards with our separate piles of goodies, among the ripped paper and gathered bows, and talked for several hours. I love that part of Christmas.
Nana and Cramp came by with a little present for each of us. They stayed for a while and Cramp praised Saya continuously about being so wonderful. I think that made her feel pretty good. I was happy to see her get so much credit for how hard she's been working in college and her three jobs. I'm not sure how she does it. I can't even get good grades in high school and I don't even have one job. Guess I'm just not as smart as she is.
When they left, I sat with Meg and mom for a bit talking again. Saya went home after a nap to shower and let her dog out. Then mom and I started on Christmas dinner. Meg went off to bed as soon as we started. Sometimes I wonder about her timing. ;)
Mom taught me how to make a bunch of different things. I loved it. We worked for hours on the goose. Then we set to work on a cold salad, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls (we bought those!), stuffing, veggies, and a punch. When everything else was ready, we pulled out the goose we'd been basting for eternity. Never again will I cook a goose. It wasn't even finished after three hours. Not even close! So we had dinner without a main course. Oh well right?
Dad made a really inconsiderate remark to mom. Here we sat at a table covered with food she'd spent hours on and he had the nerve to say something snarky. I was shocked. Mom didn't say anything. But when she looked at him, he knew what she thought of that. I think partly she was too tired to say anything and didn't want to ruin Christmas dinner. He knew he was in the wrong to say that. I think when he saw the exhausted expression on her face, he couldn't help but know. He didn't apologize though. My heart broke for mom. Everyday, I start to see more and more things she's given up for us and how hard she does try. I start to see what dad doesn't. I love dad. But I care for mom.
The goose ended up being a huge disappointment for mom and I. There was like, nooo meat on it. So lame. But, personally, I thought it was actually worth it. Even if it couldn't feed a family of like, 1, I got to spend a lot of time working with my mom. I loved every minute of it.
The older I get, the more I see and learn that you're born into a family. Then, if you're lucky like me, you become friends with each individual in your family. You spend one on one time with everyone and time as a group. The girls have nights, the parents have nights with each girl, the parents have night together, until you feel like everyone is your friend. Your buddy, your pal. You become tightly nit. And then, that's when you become a true family. Then your not just a bunch of people living together and you're no longer a bunch of good friends. You're a blood related, eternally sealed network of individuals working to create a happy family package. I don't know if anyone else is as lukcy as me, but I come as a package deal. My family goes where I go and I go where they go. You get one, you get us all. I'm not just saying that. It is that way. I see it and I'm a part of it. And I love it.
Thank you Christ. Thank you for coming to earth. Thank you for being born as a human like me. But Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if you left the baby in the manger. Thank you for dying for me, that I may live again with my family for time and all eternity. Forever. Thank you for taking upon you the punishment of my sins so that I can repent and change my heart throughout my life so that I can live with our Father in Heaven for time and all eternity. To any who read, and to all who don't, may the joy and true reason for the reason resound in your hearts everyday. May you wake with a love for each person and a desire to become a little more like Christ every hour. Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Loosing
Dear Friend,
I was really snipping with my sister today. I know I shouldn't be angry or treat her like she's annoying or something. She's the best older sister a girl could ask for. I really try to be sympathetic, but it's getting harder. She passes out almost everyday now and has all these panic attacks out of nowhere. It's been a pretty common thing all my life, but the last few months have been getting worse. Like I said, everyday she passes out. And everyday I have to rearrange my whole schedule or miss school or not do a homework assignment or cancel plans with my friends so I can help her out. She may have a 504 plan with the school so that it won't affect her grade, but I don't. I used to really want to give up everything to help her, but she's not even helping herself. Now I feel no urge to help her. I know she's okay and I know that if she actually did what the doctor told her to, she'd be okay again. But she's so self centered. She does what she wants to and just thinks everything will turn out fine. I know I shouldn't feel this upset. I hate that I get so angry, but it's what I feel and I can't always change it.
She can be really selfish with my time. I have to wait for her all the time or I have to be in charge of dragging her away from her little buddies so that I can get somewhere in time. She doesn't even care and if I tried to talk to her about it, she blows up, starts crying like I just don't understand how hard this is for her and then goes into a panic attack. Not that I've ever tried it, but I've seen her to it with my mom. And yeah, sure maybe we don't understand, but at least we're trying to. She doesn't even care how this is affecting everyone around her. She does the same thing with her "not boyfriend." She's really clinging to him and I can see it wears on him. Then when I tell her she might want to back off, she's like,"I HAVE BEEN OKAY?! CALM DOWN!!! I HAVEN'T EVEN SAT BY HIM AT LUNCH FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS!!" Wow. That's great.
It's just hard loosing a sister to herself.
....
Truth is, I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out just how that can be. That's from Perks of being a Wallflower. Ha... so true though.
You know, sometimes, I feel pretty. And when I look in the mirror, I see someone beautiful and worthwhile. But then I look again, and I don't anymore. I see me.
None of my friends know I'm writing to you. It's kinda nice knowing no one's going to see this but you.
I was really snipping with my sister today. I know I shouldn't be angry or treat her like she's annoying or something. She's the best older sister a girl could ask for. I really try to be sympathetic, but it's getting harder. She passes out almost everyday now and has all these panic attacks out of nowhere. It's been a pretty common thing all my life, but the last few months have been getting worse. Like I said, everyday she passes out. And everyday I have to rearrange my whole schedule or miss school or not do a homework assignment or cancel plans with my friends so I can help her out. She may have a 504 plan with the school so that it won't affect her grade, but I don't. I used to really want to give up everything to help her, but she's not even helping herself. Now I feel no urge to help her. I know she's okay and I know that if she actually did what the doctor told her to, she'd be okay again. But she's so self centered. She does what she wants to and just thinks everything will turn out fine. I know I shouldn't feel this upset. I hate that I get so angry, but it's what I feel and I can't always change it.
She can be really selfish with my time. I have to wait for her all the time or I have to be in charge of dragging her away from her little buddies so that I can get somewhere in time. She doesn't even care and if I tried to talk to her about it, she blows up, starts crying like I just don't understand how hard this is for her and then goes into a panic attack. Not that I've ever tried it, but I've seen her to it with my mom. And yeah, sure maybe we don't understand, but at least we're trying to. She doesn't even care how this is affecting everyone around her. She does the same thing with her "not boyfriend." She's really clinging to him and I can see it wears on him. Then when I tell her she might want to back off, she's like,"I HAVE BEEN OKAY?! CALM DOWN!!! I HAVEN'T EVEN SAT BY HIM AT LUNCH FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS!!" Wow. That's great.
It's just hard loosing a sister to herself.
....
Truth is, I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out just how that can be. That's from Perks of being a Wallflower. Ha... so true though.
You know, sometimes, I feel pretty. And when I look in the mirror, I see someone beautiful and worthwhile. But then I look again, and I don't anymore. I see me.
None of my friends know I'm writing to you. It's kinda nice knowing no one's going to see this but you.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Just a Little Quote
Dear Friend,
Just wanted to share a short little thought with you.
"In your darkest moment, the brightest light will appear."
Sincerely,
Your Dear Friend
Just wanted to share a short little thought with you.
"In your darkest moment, the brightest light will appear."
Sincerely,
Your Dear Friend
Gift Giver... Gift Receiver?
Dear Friend,
There are three girls in my family. Almost every year for Christmas, my mom gets us three presents that are all very similar, like three teddy bears or three dresses, but all are a little different. Perhaps a different color or style. And every year, she worries and frets and looses so much sleep hoping that we will each love the gift we were specifically given. She prays that she's picked the right one for each child and none of us will feel left out or like the next person's was cooler. Is that not the most heart breaking moment, for all present, to see a child receive a present their parents carefully selected for them and then look more longing at their siblings gift? To watch the parents face diminish as they realize their child does not fully appreciate, no matter how hard they try, the gift that was given to them and no one else is truly heart wrenching. It is easy to put ourselves in the position of the child. Really loving the gift we received and trying, for the sake of our loving parent, to appreciate it, but then looking wishfully at our sibling holding their precious new item. A parent who deeply loves their child will be so disappointed in their efforts to bring that child joy. Imagine the parents widening sadness as they see that gift lay about the house over the next year, neglected and pitifully unloved, until finally, it is thrown out.
We all have a parent who loves us. Our Father in Heaven has given us all precious and unique gifts meant just for us. Meant for us to use and to improve. Can you imagine the crushing reality of his pain and disappointment when we don't develop out talents and throw the blessings he's given us out? He really tries so hard for us. As a loving child, we should take his gifts, dance with them, love them, run with them, use them up, play with them, try new things, and never stop being grateful for the sweet chance he's given us to find happiness through our own abilities.
Dear Friend,
Have a great night :)
There are three girls in my family. Almost every year for Christmas, my mom gets us three presents that are all very similar, like three teddy bears or three dresses, but all are a little different. Perhaps a different color or style. And every year, she worries and frets and looses so much sleep hoping that we will each love the gift we were specifically given. She prays that she's picked the right one for each child and none of us will feel left out or like the next person's was cooler. Is that not the most heart breaking moment, for all present, to see a child receive a present their parents carefully selected for them and then look more longing at their siblings gift? To watch the parents face diminish as they realize their child does not fully appreciate, no matter how hard they try, the gift that was given to them and no one else is truly heart wrenching. It is easy to put ourselves in the position of the child. Really loving the gift we received and trying, for the sake of our loving parent, to appreciate it, but then looking wishfully at our sibling holding their precious new item. A parent who deeply loves their child will be so disappointed in their efforts to bring that child joy. Imagine the parents widening sadness as they see that gift lay about the house over the next year, neglected and pitifully unloved, until finally, it is thrown out.
We all have a parent who loves us. Our Father in Heaven has given us all precious and unique gifts meant just for us. Meant for us to use and to improve. Can you imagine the crushing reality of his pain and disappointment when we don't develop out talents and throw the blessings he's given us out? He really tries so hard for us. As a loving child, we should take his gifts, dance with them, love them, run with them, use them up, play with them, try new things, and never stop being grateful for the sweet chance he's given us to find happiness through our own abilities.
Dear Friend,
Have a great night :)
The Path to Heaven Runs Through Miles of Clouded Hell
"The Path to Heaven Runs Through Miles of Clouded Hell."
Lyrics from Imagine Dragons song It's time. These kinda struck me tonight while I was listening to my play lists for strange nights like these. How are they strange? I think alot more than I usually do. Sounds ridiculous, right?
What a queer thought though? If it's true that the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell, than perhaps life is meant to be hell. If we wanna be in hell, we can decide not to progress. We can stay right where we are. How easy would it be to give up on ourselves and our chance at heaven? Very. Cause all it takes is sitting still. We can decide not to change and not to become something bigger, better and more capable of doing good. That is what I think hell is.
But to get to heaven, I think that's walking on through hell and never stopping. Never slowing down. Getting up when you trip on Satan's little snars and starting up again. Never decreasing your effort to get the hell out of there and moving on to a better place. Heaven. Through all those miles of clouded hell, you have the chance to become heavenly. "Right to the top." That's heaven. Progressing out of the horrible, dark places we're sent to. Showing whoever sent us here that it's not where we wanna be forever. We want something better and we're willing to go through hell to get it. We want to be something better and we're going to leave the world to become heavenly.
Kind of a cool idea, no?
Lyrics from Imagine Dragons song It's time. These kinda struck me tonight while I was listening to my play lists for strange nights like these. How are they strange? I think alot more than I usually do. Sounds ridiculous, right?
What a queer thought though? If it's true that the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell, than perhaps life is meant to be hell. If we wanna be in hell, we can decide not to progress. We can stay right where we are. How easy would it be to give up on ourselves and our chance at heaven? Very. Cause all it takes is sitting still. We can decide not to change and not to become something bigger, better and more capable of doing good. That is what I think hell is.
But to get to heaven, I think that's walking on through hell and never stopping. Never slowing down. Getting up when you trip on Satan's little snars and starting up again. Never decreasing your effort to get the hell out of there and moving on to a better place. Heaven. Through all those miles of clouded hell, you have the chance to become heavenly. "Right to the top." That's heaven. Progressing out of the horrible, dark places we're sent to. Showing whoever sent us here that it's not where we wanna be forever. We want something better and we're willing to go through hell to get it. We want to be something better and we're going to leave the world to become heavenly.
Kind of a cool idea, no?
Dear Friend
I'm writing to you because he said you'd listen and it'd be nice to tell someone the truth. I'm not saying I'm gonna write everyday or even every week, but when I do write, it'll mean something to have you here.
I've been trying to start over lately, but I can't keep up with it all. The world doesn't start over with you. It's been moving the whole time you've been falling behind, like you're on an escalator that's moving backwards. It keeps moving, picking up speed and so you have to run douple time if you want to even have hope for catching up.
I'm trying to feel something. Or, something inside me wants to feel something. I'm not sure if it's even me or not. But I'm looking for something to make me feel everything at once, but not... I know I should try to feel happy, but I honestly don't care if what I feel is happiness or depression as long as I'm feeling something other than this empty longing. I just want one moment when I feel.. Infinite. I want to know what it feels like. I'm just so confused all the time. I don't even know if what's inside me is an emotion or just the lack thereof. What do you call that feeling when the front of your head aches a little and you're throat feels dry, like it might never experience liquid again and it's terrified, and your heart just sits there like a lump of thick gew in your chest?
Love is so complicated, because everyone thinks their idea of love is the only one they can accept. Someone wants a kind of love from me I can't give. I gave the love of friendship immediatly without hesitation, but they want something else. They want a shallow high school romance love. They want to tell me they like me and, of course, they want me to say the same in return. They want the whole school to find out and then be another couple on the gossip list. I don't want to hurt them, but I can't love them like that. I won't put myself in that position, but no matter how carefully I explain that, they don't understand. I'd rather have a gay friend who'll go shopping with me than a guy who just wants to be liked as a self confidence boster.
I've started coloring this week. Sounds silly and possibly juvenille. However, it's very theraputic. I don't have to stress, I just stay in the lines and decide what colors to use and how dark I want to color each outlined piece of white, empty paper.
I ate too much today. I used to be annorexic, but then I stopped after about four years. I know it's completely insane, but a part of me has been talking me into it again. I look in the mirror and I see every ounce of unwanted matter. I hate it. I hate that I notice it because it shouldn't bother me anymore. Maybe if I cut back on my weight, I won't hate that part of me anymore because the annorexic mindset won't yell at me. I could get her out of my head if I just lost the weight she told me to.
That's what's been on my mind the last few minutes. Well, some of it. Alot of things I'm still trying to figure out how to place in words I can understand. Once I do, I can write it down and then I can see it all in front of my eyes and figure it out.
I wanna be alive today.
I'm writing to you because he said you'd listen and it'd be nice to tell someone the truth. I'm not saying I'm gonna write everyday or even every week, but when I do write, it'll mean something to have you here.
I've been trying to start over lately, but I can't keep up with it all. The world doesn't start over with you. It's been moving the whole time you've been falling behind, like you're on an escalator that's moving backwards. It keeps moving, picking up speed and so you have to run douple time if you want to even have hope for catching up.
I'm trying to feel something. Or, something inside me wants to feel something. I'm not sure if it's even me or not. But I'm looking for something to make me feel everything at once, but not... I know I should try to feel happy, but I honestly don't care if what I feel is happiness or depression as long as I'm feeling something other than this empty longing. I just want one moment when I feel.. Infinite. I want to know what it feels like. I'm just so confused all the time. I don't even know if what's inside me is an emotion or just the lack thereof. What do you call that feeling when the front of your head aches a little and you're throat feels dry, like it might never experience liquid again and it's terrified, and your heart just sits there like a lump of thick gew in your chest?
Love is so complicated, because everyone thinks their idea of love is the only one they can accept. Someone wants a kind of love from me I can't give. I gave the love of friendship immediatly without hesitation, but they want something else. They want a shallow high school romance love. They want to tell me they like me and, of course, they want me to say the same in return. They want the whole school to find out and then be another couple on the gossip list. I don't want to hurt them, but I can't love them like that. I won't put myself in that position, but no matter how carefully I explain that, they don't understand. I'd rather have a gay friend who'll go shopping with me than a guy who just wants to be liked as a self confidence boster.
I've started coloring this week. Sounds silly and possibly juvenille. However, it's very theraputic. I don't have to stress, I just stay in the lines and decide what colors to use and how dark I want to color each outlined piece of white, empty paper.
I ate too much today. I used to be annorexic, but then I stopped after about four years. I know it's completely insane, but a part of me has been talking me into it again. I look in the mirror and I see every ounce of unwanted matter. I hate it. I hate that I notice it because it shouldn't bother me anymore. Maybe if I cut back on my weight, I won't hate that part of me anymore because the annorexic mindset won't yell at me. I could get her out of my head if I just lost the weight she told me to.
That's what's been on my mind the last few minutes. Well, some of it. Alot of things I'm still trying to figure out how to place in words I can understand. Once I do, I can write it down and then I can see it all in front of my eyes and figure it out.
I wanna be alive today.
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