Dear Friend,
I didn't sleep last night. I've always been able to sleep like a baby. Just plop me down anywhere and I'm out. But the last few nights have been a little... complicated. I can't fall asleep till about 2am and then I have weird dreams where I'm trying to safe something but I can't. I go on these crazy adventures in wacky places on this quest. I can feel it's important and my dream self is taking it all very seriously. I'm hiding from hundreds of people in a huge building with only a few friends at my side, who always seem to leave at the wrong moment. Or I leave them to protect them from... whatever it is. This has been going on for the last two-ish nights.
Last night, I was up till 2am again, laying there. I listened to music for awhile, I facebooked a bit, too. Around 1:25, I found myself sitting on my floor starring into my mirror. My lights were on, so my mom came down and found me. She was kinda weirded out, but not half as much as me. I felt crazy. What was I doing down there? Mom left, and I turned off my light and started crying. I'm not sure why. I started talking to Jeremy. I do that sometimes when I'm alone and I feel like he's listening. I pretended he was holding my hand and that he was listening to me and I told him how much it still hurt. I begged him to stay till I fell asleep. Crazy as it sounds, I felt like he was really there. I think he did stay with me. I have no reason to believe he didn't.
It's just like Jeremy to comfort someone crying. He always did that for people. He'd just sit there, so concerned and let them talk and cry, never saying a word or lending advice. Having him there was enough. I saw him with his best friend once. She was crying in the techies work room. He was crouched in front of her with his hand on her knee, silent and there. Just him being there made you know you would never be alone and that he'd never leave you and that it was okay to be weak cause he would be strong for you for a while. You don't find someone like that everyday.
"Sometimes goodbye's a second chance." -Shinedown
Jeremy will get a second chance. I know that. I will, too. We all will. We'll get another chance to be with him. Miss you my friend. Thank you for never leaving us.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Birthday Wishes!
Dear Friend,
Today is my birthday. It's my dad's birthday, too. We were born on the same day, a couple decades apart. My dad told me today, like he does every year, that I was the best birthday present he's ever had. He even teared up about it. The older he gets, the more tender his heart is.
I think the best present I could ever is get is to have the relationships I have with my family right now forever. What more could I ask for? As I starred at my fattening cheesecake with a small candle set on top, I thought about my family and how precious each of them is to me. I never want to loose them. So, I breathed in... and mom blew out my candle from across the table. Course, I went into a state of panic and, squealing all the while, grabbed match and rushed to relight the tiny candle, nearly fumbling the flame on to Meg's hand. Everyone was laughing. Dad sat at the head of the table, mom on his left, Meg on his right. I was to the right of her, with Sarah on the end. My cousin sat next to mom. The table seemed to float in the air with the cheer in the room. How could I possibly want any more than this? Carefully covering the flame from everyone else, I closed my eyes then opened them again, deciding I wanted to watch the flame. Everyone started shouting out things to wish for. Dad asked, "What's his name?!" I looked at that tiny little candle, confident on the only thing I really wanted then quickly blew it out with an exaggerated buff of air. Everyone clapped. It's the best wish I've ever made.
I mentioned my cousin. I have to tell you about the crazy circumstances that landed her in my crazy home. I was at my friend's house watching Dr. Who (yes, I've been hooked) when Meg got a call from mom. She quickly related a story to Meg. Our cousin was starting at BYU this semester and, upon her arrive, she found that her apartment had no heating yet. It's been an unforgiving winter, so she was like, literally freezing. We got a call from Grandma who knew what was going on and so we were going to have her stay at our house. Meg told me this and we started heading out the door. My mind was blow. See, I had no clue who the heck this cousin was. Sure, she's my dad's brother's kid. Doesn't mean we've ever even spoken. But, we were gonna take her in. Okay, cool. I was just totally weirded out because everyone else seemed to know who she was. So, we get home and bam. Find out she's staying my room. I've never met this chick and she's gonna be sleeping in my bed, among my things! This girl could be a thief and we'd never know! Those thoughts are very Christian like, so of course, I began tidying up my room without a word of complaint, quietly taking care of hiding away my valuables. What can I say? I'm a moron. I know.
She got here, and she looks like me a little. Kind of weird. Not only that, she's suuuuuper nice and sweet and has the most darling smile. She puts up with our insanity pretty well, too. So yeah, I was an idiot, but better safe than sorry. We don't know how long she'll be staying, but either way, I hope we get to see her alot more now that she'll be near by. She's moved here from Texas so, the weather change is a little dramatic. I hope to take her shopping soon for some warmer clothes. She came as prepared as she could be, but where do you find winter clothes in Texas? You don't. But she's really cool. Makes me wonder how many awesome friendships I'm missing out on just because I never seen any of my cousins.
So yep! Life's good today. You know, you never really appreciate the hard times till you compare them to the bad times. And you never really appreciate the bad times till you realize how much better the good times will be.
Today is my birthday. It's my dad's birthday, too. We were born on the same day, a couple decades apart. My dad told me today, like he does every year, that I was the best birthday present he's ever had. He even teared up about it. The older he gets, the more tender his heart is.
I think the best present I could ever is get is to have the relationships I have with my family right now forever. What more could I ask for? As I starred at my fattening cheesecake with a small candle set on top, I thought about my family and how precious each of them is to me. I never want to loose them. So, I breathed in... and mom blew out my candle from across the table. Course, I went into a state of panic and, squealing all the while, grabbed match and rushed to relight the tiny candle, nearly fumbling the flame on to Meg's hand. Everyone was laughing. Dad sat at the head of the table, mom on his left, Meg on his right. I was to the right of her, with Sarah on the end. My cousin sat next to mom. The table seemed to float in the air with the cheer in the room. How could I possibly want any more than this? Carefully covering the flame from everyone else, I closed my eyes then opened them again, deciding I wanted to watch the flame. Everyone started shouting out things to wish for. Dad asked, "What's his name?!" I looked at that tiny little candle, confident on the only thing I really wanted then quickly blew it out with an exaggerated buff of air. Everyone clapped. It's the best wish I've ever made.
I mentioned my cousin. I have to tell you about the crazy circumstances that landed her in my crazy home. I was at my friend's house watching Dr. Who (yes, I've been hooked) when Meg got a call from mom. She quickly related a story to Meg. Our cousin was starting at BYU this semester and, upon her arrive, she found that her apartment had no heating yet. It's been an unforgiving winter, so she was like, literally freezing. We got a call from Grandma who knew what was going on and so we were going to have her stay at our house. Meg told me this and we started heading out the door. My mind was blow. See, I had no clue who the heck this cousin was. Sure, she's my dad's brother's kid. Doesn't mean we've ever even spoken. But, we were gonna take her in. Okay, cool. I was just totally weirded out because everyone else seemed to know who she was. So, we get home and bam. Find out she's staying my room. I've never met this chick and she's gonna be sleeping in my bed, among my things! This girl could be a thief and we'd never know! Those thoughts are very Christian like, so of course, I began tidying up my room without a word of complaint, quietly taking care of hiding away my valuables. What can I say? I'm a moron. I know.
She got here, and she looks like me a little. Kind of weird. Not only that, she's suuuuuper nice and sweet and has the most darling smile. She puts up with our insanity pretty well, too. So yeah, I was an idiot, but better safe than sorry. We don't know how long she'll be staying, but either way, I hope we get to see her alot more now that she'll be near by. She's moved here from Texas so, the weather change is a little dramatic. I hope to take her shopping soon for some warmer clothes. She came as prepared as she could be, but where do you find winter clothes in Texas? You don't. But she's really cool. Makes me wonder how many awesome friendships I'm missing out on just because I never seen any of my cousins.
So yep! Life's good today. You know, you never really appreciate the hard times till you compare them to the bad times. And you never really appreciate the bad times till you realize how much better the good times will be.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Depression
Dear Friend,
I have lived with depression my whole life. When I say "lived with it" I mean that literally because three of my family members suffer from it. My dad and I don'tm but Saya, Meg and my mom do. I've seen Saya laying in a hospital bed and had to leave her their overnight so they could keep her on suicide watch. Meg too.
In 8th grade, I met several people who had severe depression, but they were so young, alot of them didn't even recognize it. A few did and I talked with them for hours about cutting and what they were feeling. I gave them advice my sisters told me to give them, or things I'd learned about depression from seeing it everyday. Slowly, depression seemed to leave alot of them. It was a situational low for some. One is still suffering but is coming along very well.
I became close to a boy in 9th grade who I immediately recognizes as a depression victim. I told him I knew. He couldn't believe it, but I explained to him it was in my home, so I understood to some extend. I helped him however I could and he told me his story. He wrote poetry to help him and other people understand what he's going through.
I met one of the most admirable young men I've met in my whole life my sophmore year. I knew right of the bat he was suffering from very severe depression. I watched it get worse but never said a word. He was always so happy and he convinced alot of people he was all bubbly and loved life. One day, I noticed a word cut into his arm. "Weak." It only confirmed what I already figured. My dear friend was cutting. Just like my sisters had for years, and like so many friends I've had before. For two years, I've watched him go through all this. He's talked to me about it sometimes and told me his story. It was one of emptiness and meanness. He's going to start doing better soon. He's been in the hospital at least twice and was sent to rehab for a few weeks as well, which didn't help. But he's starting off on a new path now and I think his friends are going to be there for him.
When I was in Wizard of Oz, I met a really cool boy. He had chemical depression and I've watched him go through it for years. He's talked to my sisters alot about it and I've tried to do all I could to be there for him. I remember once, all his friends ditched him and posted vidoes about what a looser they thought he was. I was at a party with him a few nights later. He looked like he was going to start crying, so I reached over and held his hand. We didn't let go all night. I haven't talked to him in a few months and we've kind of lost touch. He goes to a different school that's not close by. I'll never forget when he told me that he was cutting. I already knew of course, but what I didn't know is that he didn't have any more space on his legs to cut. He always worse jeans and I recognized he was hiding scares and new cuts, but this was bad. I don't know how he's doing.
I have a friend who isn't allowed to drive because they don't know if she'll drive off the road on purpose. I know the boy who was best friends with Jeremy and clogs up almost any emotion. I'm pretty sure he has depression. I could name at least 5 others.
There are so many different stories out there and each one is full of heartache. Chemical depression is real. The brain refuses to send out signals that allows you to feel the emotion you are trying to experience. Situational depression is real. It's a fancy name for "going through something no one should have to go through and struggling to find happiness in the midst of so much pain."
I've cut once in my life on accident. I know what it's like when your brain shuts off for a second and you grab something and hurt yourself because physical pain might release the emotional. It's different for everyone. Each story is unique and each individual needs love and support. I've had situational depression when my friend killed himself. I've seen countless individuals struggle with this. We've all exprienced a common trial in our lives. Perhaps some of us see people in physical pain very often. I've seen depression. Alot. I understand it more than some and I'm here to help. I'm here to help people who have other trial understand those who are suffering from depression. It's a goal of mine to explain what it does to the chemicals in the body, the emotions, the brain and the life of the person going through it to anyone who thinks it's fake, unreal, or just doesn't understand it very well. It's a small things I can do for this big world.
I have lived with depression my whole life. When I say "lived with it" I mean that literally because three of my family members suffer from it. My dad and I don'tm but Saya, Meg and my mom do. I've seen Saya laying in a hospital bed and had to leave her their overnight so they could keep her on suicide watch. Meg too.
In 8th grade, I met several people who had severe depression, but they were so young, alot of them didn't even recognize it. A few did and I talked with them for hours about cutting and what they were feeling. I gave them advice my sisters told me to give them, or things I'd learned about depression from seeing it everyday. Slowly, depression seemed to leave alot of them. It was a situational low for some. One is still suffering but is coming along very well.
I became close to a boy in 9th grade who I immediately recognizes as a depression victim. I told him I knew. He couldn't believe it, but I explained to him it was in my home, so I understood to some extend. I helped him however I could and he told me his story. He wrote poetry to help him and other people understand what he's going through.
I met one of the most admirable young men I've met in my whole life my sophmore year. I knew right of the bat he was suffering from very severe depression. I watched it get worse but never said a word. He was always so happy and he convinced alot of people he was all bubbly and loved life. One day, I noticed a word cut into his arm. "Weak." It only confirmed what I already figured. My dear friend was cutting. Just like my sisters had for years, and like so many friends I've had before. For two years, I've watched him go through all this. He's talked to me about it sometimes and told me his story. It was one of emptiness and meanness. He's going to start doing better soon. He's been in the hospital at least twice and was sent to rehab for a few weeks as well, which didn't help. But he's starting off on a new path now and I think his friends are going to be there for him.
When I was in Wizard of Oz, I met a really cool boy. He had chemical depression and I've watched him go through it for years. He's talked to my sisters alot about it and I've tried to do all I could to be there for him. I remember once, all his friends ditched him and posted vidoes about what a looser they thought he was. I was at a party with him a few nights later. He looked like he was going to start crying, so I reached over and held his hand. We didn't let go all night. I haven't talked to him in a few months and we've kind of lost touch. He goes to a different school that's not close by. I'll never forget when he told me that he was cutting. I already knew of course, but what I didn't know is that he didn't have any more space on his legs to cut. He always worse jeans and I recognized he was hiding scares and new cuts, but this was bad. I don't know how he's doing.
I have a friend who isn't allowed to drive because they don't know if she'll drive off the road on purpose. I know the boy who was best friends with Jeremy and clogs up almost any emotion. I'm pretty sure he has depression. I could name at least 5 others.
There are so many different stories out there and each one is full of heartache. Chemical depression is real. The brain refuses to send out signals that allows you to feel the emotion you are trying to experience. Situational depression is real. It's a fancy name for "going through something no one should have to go through and struggling to find happiness in the midst of so much pain."
I've cut once in my life on accident. I know what it's like when your brain shuts off for a second and you grab something and hurt yourself because physical pain might release the emotional. It's different for everyone. Each story is unique and each individual needs love and support. I've had situational depression when my friend killed himself. I've seen countless individuals struggle with this. We've all exprienced a common trial in our lives. Perhaps some of us see people in physical pain very often. I've seen depression. Alot. I understand it more than some and I'm here to help. I'm here to help people who have other trial understand those who are suffering from depression. It's a goal of mine to explain what it does to the chemicals in the body, the emotions, the brain and the life of the person going through it to anyone who thinks it's fake, unreal, or just doesn't understand it very well. It's a small things I can do for this big world.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
January 11th Story
Dear Friend,
My birthday is in three days, not counting today. I should be excited, but I'm not. All that's been on my mind is what happens five days later. One year ago, on January 11th, my close friend killed himself. My birthday is simply a reminder of what's coming. It'll even be an Aday at my school, just like it was last year. I'll have to go to ballroom team class without him and remember how happy we all were the period before we found out. The moment before it changed, before my world burned. Which means I'll have to sit in my theatre class just like last year without him sitting next to me and relive the moment my teacher told us.
It was just another day. I woke up, I went to school and I honestly don't remember anything until my second period, theatre. Nothing of consiquence happened that morning. During theatre class, I remember being a little sophmore, so happy and carefree and unaware of reality. My little bubble, so tender and untouched by pain. We were playing improve. I remember being up on stage with my friend, Marky, and we were pretending he was a police officer who'd just arrested the typical teenage punk, me! It wasn't too funny, but we were all loving it. We ran up and off stage, yelling freeze when we wanted to cut into the scene and change the whole plot with a new brillant idea! I was on stage again when Mr. Mancir walked in and asked us to take a seat. Grinning from ear to ear, we all plopped back into our chair, mine on the front row next to Lista, Marky behind me, and Grimes on my left. I was as happy as I ever remember being. I always was in that room. I fit in and we were a family. Jeremy included, a boy who'd had to transfer schools. He'd gone to jr. high with me, was on ballroom team with me, sat right behind me in drama before he left, and was just the closest thing I've ever had to a big brother. Marky was my little bro, Lista my sister and Grimes like my cousin. Literally, every person in that room could fit on my family chart.
Mancir stood in front of us, in a red polo shirt he always wore, shifting his weight back and forth to the balls of his feet and then back to his heels. His mouth started moving slighty and words flowed out that I didn't know would never leave my mind.
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this morning, Jeremy Peterson, a former student of this class, was found in his house dead. It is believed he killed himself."
I leaned over to Lista, "He's kidding right?" A smug smile lightened on my face and of course he was joking. Yeah, it was a little heavy for a joke and kind of stupid, so I expected to turn around and see that Jeremy was visiting (he did that alot). He'd be standing in the back of the room laughing a little at Mancir's stupidity.
Lista didn't move. Mancir kept talking, but I didn't hear another word. Just as I was about to turn around to see Jeremy coming over for his visit, I made eye contact with Ellie, the T.A.
She was crying. And she was looking right at me with terror in her eyes. She already knew. And she was scarred for me, because she knew I was closer to him than anyone in that class. She was terrified for the moment I'd realize that it was actually...
And I knew. But I didn't believe. How could I?! Jeremy dead? Jeremy killed himself? No, never, I just saw him yesterday! He came back to visit and I hung out with him till my dad came to pick me up! I saw him get smashed up against the wall by his best friend, Sam, as they hugged each other. They hadn't seen each other in weeks! I'd never seen Jeremy so happy! He was there, and he hugged me and we talked and he looked at me with his alive eyes and clasped my hand in his as we spoke and he teased me and I teased him and it was real so no, he wasn't gone.
A million thoughts crashed in my brain and my heart began to panic as I stared down in my lap fighting burning tears for no apparent reason. The class seemed like a grave yard, quiet as a coffin. Mancir said something about the administration saying we could go down and talk with them if we need, that they were here for us and that we could leave class if we wanted to.
As soon as he shut up, I grabbed my bag, followed him to his office and asked if I could leave. Don't remember much after that, but I left my things on the counter and rushed into a stall, I believe the last one on the end.
I'd never cried harder. I hurt deep inside and every fiber of my being screamed in agony.There are no words to describe what happened in that stall, inside me. I ripped and torn, and no sound escaped my mouth as I wept uncontrollably. In my deepest sorrow, I didn't want anyone to know where I was. I never wanted to emerge. I laid on the floor, rocking back and forth, crying for relief and for an end. I can never relate all that happened in those few minutes alone. Something broke in me that would only continue to shatter. Finally, I came out. I don't remember why, but I saw Lista, with tears on her face, leaving a letter on my bag. She saw me and stayed there. I read it silently, gasping for air every few seconds.
Dear Amanda,
This may not be the best time, but Jeremy's in heaven now. If you ever need a hug, I'm here.
<3/Lista
I didn't hug her right then. I was afraid any contact would actually shatter my frame. I was frozen, but I moved out of the bathroom, taking my things with me and went to the drama room to get my jacket. I went to seminary where Emmie found me. She walked me to Bro. Moore's class. I reached the door. She asked if I knew Jeremy, which was obvious because my face has never been more swollen from weeping. I couldn't go in, so she walked with me around the building. I lost it. She held me while I screamed out in shock. People walked by but I couldn't control myself anymore. This was a pain I'd never forget. I've never felt anything so deep and so unbelieveably crushing. The weight of death squashed me and dear little Emmie struggled to keep me from sinking. I held on around her neck for a few minutes while student after unknowing student mornfully crept by. So many didn't know him. He wasn't popular, he was like me. He was a techie, I was in theatre. We're not well known, and we like it that way.
Eventually, somehow I ended up in my seat in a queit room. Bro. Moore, my favorite teacher, looked at me for a split second. When I needed him more than ever, he made eye contact and a look of utter fear swept his gaze away from my wounded, raw face. He allowed us to just talk about what we were feeling. The conversation went in an orderly fashion around the room. I was third. I don't remember what I said, and I'm sure no one understood me. I remember Cortt saying he'd wished he'd known him. He felt it was his job and he wished he could have had the chance. Another kid said that he knew we shouldn't bully people. Ironic, Jeremy didn't kill himself over bullying. He didn't know that though. He just assumed cause he'd been bullied.
After a nightmare of people confessing their over and over how they didn't know him and how they wish they had, I rushed from the room when the bell rang. No one spoke to me. It was obvious I would have crumbled if they'd said so much as, "I'm sorry."
Not sure what happened next, but I remember sitting in the back seat as Meg drove Mandy, another sophmore, home with a senior boy in the car. He came home with us. Somehow I got inside and ended up on my couch. Starring off into the emptiness Jeremy should have filled.
I don't remember the rest of the day very well. But I remember the next week seeing Sam walking down the hall carrying Jeremy's backpack with him and walking as if he was blind. Somehow he avoided crashing into people, but his eyes were blank. Beyond blank. Broken. Sam was a military guy. He was one of my idols, my big brothers. He was broken.
I saw Mandie, Jeremy's ex, surrounded by her friends and swollen faced with puffy red eyes. She was broken. The school was broken. Were we supposed to survive?
That's the story of January 11, 2012 at my school. We've survived this far. I'm still afraid that on the coming friday, I will experience loosing Jeremy again. I don't know if I can do this day twice.
My birthday is in three days, not counting today. I should be excited, but I'm not. All that's been on my mind is what happens five days later. One year ago, on January 11th, my close friend killed himself. My birthday is simply a reminder of what's coming. It'll even be an Aday at my school, just like it was last year. I'll have to go to ballroom team class without him and remember how happy we all were the period before we found out. The moment before it changed, before my world burned. Which means I'll have to sit in my theatre class just like last year without him sitting next to me and relive the moment my teacher told us.
It was just another day. I woke up, I went to school and I honestly don't remember anything until my second period, theatre. Nothing of consiquence happened that morning. During theatre class, I remember being a little sophmore, so happy and carefree and unaware of reality. My little bubble, so tender and untouched by pain. We were playing improve. I remember being up on stage with my friend, Marky, and we were pretending he was a police officer who'd just arrested the typical teenage punk, me! It wasn't too funny, but we were all loving it. We ran up and off stage, yelling freeze when we wanted to cut into the scene and change the whole plot with a new brillant idea! I was on stage again when Mr. Mancir walked in and asked us to take a seat. Grinning from ear to ear, we all plopped back into our chair, mine on the front row next to Lista, Marky behind me, and Grimes on my left. I was as happy as I ever remember being. I always was in that room. I fit in and we were a family. Jeremy included, a boy who'd had to transfer schools. He'd gone to jr. high with me, was on ballroom team with me, sat right behind me in drama before he left, and was just the closest thing I've ever had to a big brother. Marky was my little bro, Lista my sister and Grimes like my cousin. Literally, every person in that room could fit on my family chart.
Mancir stood in front of us, in a red polo shirt he always wore, shifting his weight back and forth to the balls of his feet and then back to his heels. His mouth started moving slighty and words flowed out that I didn't know would never leave my mind.
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this morning, Jeremy Peterson, a former student of this class, was found in his house dead. It is believed he killed himself."
I leaned over to Lista, "He's kidding right?" A smug smile lightened on my face and of course he was joking. Yeah, it was a little heavy for a joke and kind of stupid, so I expected to turn around and see that Jeremy was visiting (he did that alot). He'd be standing in the back of the room laughing a little at Mancir's stupidity.
Lista didn't move. Mancir kept talking, but I didn't hear another word. Just as I was about to turn around to see Jeremy coming over for his visit, I made eye contact with Ellie, the T.A.
She was crying. And she was looking right at me with terror in her eyes. She already knew. And she was scarred for me, because she knew I was closer to him than anyone in that class. She was terrified for the moment I'd realize that it was actually...
And I knew. But I didn't believe. How could I?! Jeremy dead? Jeremy killed himself? No, never, I just saw him yesterday! He came back to visit and I hung out with him till my dad came to pick me up! I saw him get smashed up against the wall by his best friend, Sam, as they hugged each other. They hadn't seen each other in weeks! I'd never seen Jeremy so happy! He was there, and he hugged me and we talked and he looked at me with his alive eyes and clasped my hand in his as we spoke and he teased me and I teased him and it was real so no, he wasn't gone.
A million thoughts crashed in my brain and my heart began to panic as I stared down in my lap fighting burning tears for no apparent reason. The class seemed like a grave yard, quiet as a coffin. Mancir said something about the administration saying we could go down and talk with them if we need, that they were here for us and that we could leave class if we wanted to.
As soon as he shut up, I grabbed my bag, followed him to his office and asked if I could leave. Don't remember much after that, but I left my things on the counter and rushed into a stall, I believe the last one on the end.
I'd never cried harder. I hurt deep inside and every fiber of my being screamed in agony.There are no words to describe what happened in that stall, inside me. I ripped and torn, and no sound escaped my mouth as I wept uncontrollably. In my deepest sorrow, I didn't want anyone to know where I was. I never wanted to emerge. I laid on the floor, rocking back and forth, crying for relief and for an end. I can never relate all that happened in those few minutes alone. Something broke in me that would only continue to shatter. Finally, I came out. I don't remember why, but I saw Lista, with tears on her face, leaving a letter on my bag. She saw me and stayed there. I read it silently, gasping for air every few seconds.
Dear Amanda,
This may not be the best time, but Jeremy's in heaven now. If you ever need a hug, I'm here.
<3/Lista
I didn't hug her right then. I was afraid any contact would actually shatter my frame. I was frozen, but I moved out of the bathroom, taking my things with me and went to the drama room to get my jacket. I went to seminary where Emmie found me. She walked me to Bro. Moore's class. I reached the door. She asked if I knew Jeremy, which was obvious because my face has never been more swollen from weeping. I couldn't go in, so she walked with me around the building. I lost it. She held me while I screamed out in shock. People walked by but I couldn't control myself anymore. This was a pain I'd never forget. I've never felt anything so deep and so unbelieveably crushing. The weight of death squashed me and dear little Emmie struggled to keep me from sinking. I held on around her neck for a few minutes while student after unknowing student mornfully crept by. So many didn't know him. He wasn't popular, he was like me. He was a techie, I was in theatre. We're not well known, and we like it that way.
Eventually, somehow I ended up in my seat in a queit room. Bro. Moore, my favorite teacher, looked at me for a split second. When I needed him more than ever, he made eye contact and a look of utter fear swept his gaze away from my wounded, raw face. He allowed us to just talk about what we were feeling. The conversation went in an orderly fashion around the room. I was third. I don't remember what I said, and I'm sure no one understood me. I remember Cortt saying he'd wished he'd known him. He felt it was his job and he wished he could have had the chance. Another kid said that he knew we shouldn't bully people. Ironic, Jeremy didn't kill himself over bullying. He didn't know that though. He just assumed cause he'd been bullied.
After a nightmare of people confessing their over and over how they didn't know him and how they wish they had, I rushed from the room when the bell rang. No one spoke to me. It was obvious I would have crumbled if they'd said so much as, "I'm sorry."
Not sure what happened next, but I remember sitting in the back seat as Meg drove Mandy, another sophmore, home with a senior boy in the car. He came home with us. Somehow I got inside and ended up on my couch. Starring off into the emptiness Jeremy should have filled.
I don't remember the rest of the day very well. But I remember the next week seeing Sam walking down the hall carrying Jeremy's backpack with him and walking as if he was blind. Somehow he avoided crashing into people, but his eyes were blank. Beyond blank. Broken. Sam was a military guy. He was one of my idols, my big brothers. He was broken.
I saw Mandie, Jeremy's ex, surrounded by her friends and swollen faced with puffy red eyes. She was broken. The school was broken. Were we supposed to survive?
That's the story of January 11, 2012 at my school. We've survived this far. I'm still afraid that on the coming friday, I will experience loosing Jeremy again. I don't know if I can do this day twice.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happenings
I took Saya home from church again and we had lunch at her place. I wrestled with her chocolate lab a little then we played Harry Potter Lego till we had to go home. It's a common past time at her house and I enjoy it more than I should.
Upon arriving at home, we headed across the street to our neighbors for dinner. Mom and Meg would not be attending, due to illness. (I love writing like that! :D) We've lived across the street from the Williamson's for as long as I can remember and they've been here even longer than that. Their both quit old and are just the ideal married couple. Total sweethearts. We had a lovely dinner and talked for several hours.
Sister Williamson's maiden name is Whitaker. We were discussing genealogy and she told me about how she found out where her family came from and was able to travel to the town. It's like going back in time! They toured the town, and went past several fields. The fields, she said, had a certain mineral that made the soil white. It struck her that her family came from the town of "white acres." That's where her last name came from! It slowly turned into Whitaker. Personally, I find that almost romantic. The white acres. How gorgeous does that sound??
At one point, I was talking with Brother Williamson and my dad about the next five years of my life. Dad suggested I might be married. I quickly disagreed, explaining that'd I'd only have been back from my mission for a little over a year so there was no way I'd get married that fast. Bro. Williamson smiled at me and asked, "Do you wanna know how it's really going to happen?" I thought it'd be pretty convienant to know exactly what would happen in my future so I let him continue.
"Now, it has nothing to do with what you're thinking about right now. It will happen when it happens when you happen upon the right person... and bells will ring." He looked across the table at his wife, with an expression that will only be seen on the tender face of someone who wants to be with their sweetheart forever and an eternity. I could have cried. "It will happen when it happens when you happen upon the right person." I think that's just beautiful. It gave me alot of comfort. I don't need to worry about getting married cause it will happen when it happens. When I happen upon the right person. Ah!! It's so cute!!!
They told us how they got married and I just love the old fashion ideas about love. They date and aren't afraid to be in love and weren't afraid of commitment, it just happened! When you loved, you loved. And everything about it just makes my heart melt. No wonder people didn't get as many divorces back then! They just loved each other with all their hearts and had no selfish intentions. They just married the person they were madly in love with, swept each other off their feet and then worked to stay with each other. My dad always tells me, "you look for a spouse with both eyes open, and once you've found them and been married, keep one eye closed." They said the same thing. Old fashioned. LOOOOOVE IT!!!!
Upon arriving at home, we headed across the street to our neighbors for dinner. Mom and Meg would not be attending, due to illness. (I love writing like that! :D) We've lived across the street from the Williamson's for as long as I can remember and they've been here even longer than that. Their both quit old and are just the ideal married couple. Total sweethearts. We had a lovely dinner and talked for several hours.
Sister Williamson's maiden name is Whitaker. We were discussing genealogy and she told me about how she found out where her family came from and was able to travel to the town. It's like going back in time! They toured the town, and went past several fields. The fields, she said, had a certain mineral that made the soil white. It struck her that her family came from the town of "white acres." That's where her last name came from! It slowly turned into Whitaker. Personally, I find that almost romantic. The white acres. How gorgeous does that sound??
At one point, I was talking with Brother Williamson and my dad about the next five years of my life. Dad suggested I might be married. I quickly disagreed, explaining that'd I'd only have been back from my mission for a little over a year so there was no way I'd get married that fast. Bro. Williamson smiled at me and asked, "Do you wanna know how it's really going to happen?" I thought it'd be pretty convienant to know exactly what would happen in my future so I let him continue.
"Now, it has nothing to do with what you're thinking about right now. It will happen when it happens when you happen upon the right person... and bells will ring." He looked across the table at his wife, with an expression that will only be seen on the tender face of someone who wants to be with their sweetheart forever and an eternity. I could have cried. "It will happen when it happens when you happen upon the right person." I think that's just beautiful. It gave me alot of comfort. I don't need to worry about getting married cause it will happen when it happens. When I happen upon the right person. Ah!! It's so cute!!!
They told us how they got married and I just love the old fashion ideas about love. They date and aren't afraid to be in love and weren't afraid of commitment, it just happened! When you loved, you loved. And everything about it just makes my heart melt. No wonder people didn't get as many divorces back then! They just loved each other with all their hearts and had no selfish intentions. They just married the person they were madly in love with, swept each other off their feet and then worked to stay with each other. My dad always tells me, "you look for a spouse with both eyes open, and once you've found them and been married, keep one eye closed." They said the same thing. Old fashioned. LOOOOOVE IT!!!!
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